by Family Therapist Michael Gurian
Some boys get angry a great deal during puberty. It’s their body’s and brain’s way of expressing their hormonal surges and disequilibrium.
Boys also can become angry because they model constant anger from a caregiver.
Boys also can become angry because they model constant anger from a caregiver.
Other boys become angry excessively as an expression of trauma they’ve experienced-humilation or abuse. If a boy is getting angry but handling it –going to his room, or going for a run, or hitting a punching bag-and not hurting others with his anger, then he is to be congratulated for his self-control as well as nurtured in calming himself down.
But when does his anger have moral implications?
But when does his anger have moral implications?
We must allow his anger to be expressed, and we must honor legitimate anger.
But we must not allow him to rely on anger and rage too often, nor to humiliate or hurt others with it in bullying ways.
But we must not allow him to rely on anger and rage too often, nor to humiliate or hurt others with it in bullying ways.
Here are questions you can ask yourself regarding your son’s anger:
1.How many times a day (or week or month) does your son swear out loud?(If it is once a week, there is cause to worry?)
2.How many times a week (or month or year) does he break something in anger?
2.How many times a week (or month or year) does he break something in anger?
3.How many times a year does he physically fight in anger with another? If it is six times a year, there is cause to worry?)
4.Would you consider him a “hothead” or “bad tempered”?
If so, is he showing it physically or verbally in inappropriate ways?
4.Would you consider him a “hothead” or “bad tempered”?
If so, is he showing it physically or verbally in inappropriate ways?
5.Have other people you trust called him hotheaded or bad-tempered or implied that he fits these descriptions?
If so, it’s probable that you and your son should take steps.
6.Does he get angry, then often feel ashamed afterwards?
If so, he himself knows he needs help controlling his anger.
If so, it’s probable that you and your son should take steps.
6.Does he get angry, then often feel ashamed afterwards?
If so, he himself knows he needs help controlling his anger.
7.Does he seem unable to stop himself from lashing out?If so, get help immediately.
Has he gotten angry enough to hurt another physically?
Again, if so, he needs help.
8.How often is he disrespectful to you in anger episodes?
If it is often enough to make you even the least frightened, it is definitely too much.(Developed by Dr.Ichiro Kawachi Harvard University.)
If your son is swearing, hitting, disrespecting parents and authorities to an extent that you and at least one other caregiver believe is inappropriate, his pubescent years are the right time for you to address this behavior –through anger management programs, reconnection of the boy with a tough father or other caregiver, marital arts, church activities, counseling and school alternatives.
No boy wants to be excessively angry.
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